so tonight was the first night where i’ve actually longed to have children of my own. now, don’t get me wrong. i’ve always wanted a family, and of course kids have always been a HUGE part of that family portrait, but i’ve never really longed to be a father until tonight. which is kind of a weird thing, at least timing wise, as thoughts of marriage and the future have been the farthest from my mind of late. but all the same, i found my thoughts today riddled with fatherly ideas. i guess this stems from the amount of reading i’ve been doing lately on a number of subjects. the most relevant, i guess, being that i’ve been reading a series of books that most would deem “children’s” books. and as i sat today, reading a few chapters, my mind just sort of drifted off and i imagined my future son or daughter sitting on my lap as i read to them. not necessarily this particular book, but just reading in general. i imagined how i would do different voices for the different characters, how i would read the narration with all the right voice inflections, and how my child would interrupt me to ask what certain words meant and how their facial expressions would reflect the ever-unfolding events of the story. anyways, as i sat thinking about all of this it kind of gave me mixed feelings. on one hand it kind of hurt that i don’t have that will have to wait what appears to be many years to have that particular longing of my heart fulfilled. on one hand i was pretty hopeful towards the future. like i said, family is probably the thing i look forward to the most in life, and i think i have a deeper appreciation and understanding now of what that entity will mean to me. at least in one small aspect of it. all part of the growing and maturing process, i suppose.